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son of bonters
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« Reply #585 on: May 31, 2012, 07:22:47 AM » |
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Just bought the wife a new fridge. Should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
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I don't give a tuppenny F*ck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shitsack. That's more or less the thing.
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LiveFight
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« Reply #585 on: May 31, 2012, 07:22:47 AM » |
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Gavin
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« Reply #586 on: June 14, 2012, 08:18:05 PM » |
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ive got alzheimers,
This little piggy went to market.
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Bonters
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« Reply #587 on: June 20, 2012, 12:19:16 PM » |
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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly!
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
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Bonters
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« Reply #588 on: June 22, 2012, 10:01:05 AM » |
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A man knocked at my door the other day and when I answered, he held up a picture and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but is this a photo of your wife?'
I said, 'Yes, it is'
He said, 'I'm sorry but it looks like she's been involved in a car accident'
I said, 'I know but she's got a lovely personality!'
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Floydman
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« Reply #589 on: June 22, 2012, 11:13:10 AM » |
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the government has advised that if your kids are watching raunchy music videos then you should be in the room with them.
i feel guilty enough masturbating in front of the cat
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Alvy
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« Reply #590 on: June 22, 2012, 02:35:57 PM » |
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I glassed some bloke down the pub & gave him a rite kickin last night for steppin out of line...
I dont F*ck about when it comes to the conga...!!!
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“We learned a long time ago that we should never subject ourselves to the schedules of the powerful. We had to follow our own calendar and impose it on those above.” - Subcomandante Marcos
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Alvy
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« Reply #591 on: June 23, 2012, 04:47:52 PM » |
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My friend thinks he is smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his f***ing face...!
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“We learned a long time ago that we should never subject ourselves to the schedules of the powerful. We had to follow our own calendar and impose it on those above.” - Subcomandante Marcos
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Bonters
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« Reply #592 on: June 24, 2012, 10:20:06 PM » |
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." BOOM BOOM!  |
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Aaron
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« Reply #593 on: June 24, 2012, 10:36:26 PM » |
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Wayne Rooney in an England shirt!
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Bonters
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« Reply #594 on: June 25, 2012, 10:28:18 AM » |
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Wayne Rooney in an England shirt!
No - Wayne Rooney! |
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Bonters
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« Reply #595 on: June 27, 2012, 08:22:24 AM » |
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My 3 year old son was trying to get into a yoghurt pot and became stressed. 'f***ing twatting bastard lid', he suddenly blurted out. My wife looked at me and said, 'Where's he got that from then?' I replied, 'The f***ing fridge you thick C***'
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grizzlyadams
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« Reply #596 on: July 02, 2012, 09:19:19 AM » |
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A man is in court and the judge says, "You are charged with beating John Smith to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom shouts out, "You b*stard!" The judge continues, "You are also charged with beating John's friend Tim with a hammer." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You damned b*stard!" The judge stops, looks at the man in the back of the courtroom, and says, "Sir, I understand your anger at these crimes, but why do you keep interjecting?" The man replies, "Fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard, and every time I ask to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one!"
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justicia...  |
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Paddsta
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« Reply #597 on: July 06, 2012, 06:27:53 AM » |
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Such an unfair world - When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
I got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Basset’s Allsorts".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area…so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateaux.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
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« Last Edit: August 08, 2012, 04:01:27 PM by Paddsta »
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
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boybrooks
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« Reply #598 on: July 08, 2012, 06:01:52 PM » |
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****BREAKING NEWS****
Andy Murray is Scottish again.
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Bonters
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« Reply #599 on: July 09, 2012, 08:43:57 AM » |
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